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In the dog days of August, hockey writers often write ridiculous silly stories just to fill up space. Writers will create fake scenarios and push them to extremes just to write about anything. Personally, I would never dip that low to entertain the masses. In today’s article, I shall reveal things about the Montreal Canadiens that will convince many of you that I am making up everything about this story. That is a lie. At worst, you can accuse me of making up most of this, but I can assure you I did not make up any of the words, not even one. Okay, maybe one.
As very few of you know, possibly none of you, I recently bought a 3-D printer and built myself a time machine. I knew I had to use the time machine for the good of the planet. I considered many possibilities, but it finally came down to between using the time machine to bring peace on earth or to find out who will win the rookie of the year award in the NHL for the next six years. My third cousin’s neighbor, on my Mother’s side, once said, “With a great 3-D printer comes great responsibilities.” Let’s get to work. Here are short summaries about the winners of the NHL Calder Trophy for the next six years, joining Lane Hutson who won the award this year:
2026: With 38 goals and 52 assists, Ivan Demidov has won the Calder Trophy. The young man recently released his first rap album in Russian, “Moy Pervyy rep-al’bom**” to great acclaim, and also won the Conn Smythe Trophy when he led the Montreal Canadiens to a shocking 4-3 victory against the Edmonton Oilers.
2027: With 32 goals, 28 assists, and 1021 PIMs, Florian Xhekaj has won the Calder Trophy. The young man who recently posed on the cover of Playgirl Magazine, to great acclaim, also won the Conn Smythe Trophy when he led the Montreal Canadiens to a shocking 4-2 victory over the Anaheim Ducks.
2028: With 2 goals, 4 assists, a record of 42-8-5, a GAA of 1.80, and a .932 SV%, Jacob Fowler has won the Calder Trophy. The young man who recently released his first comedy special, “Goalie Masks are for Sissies,” to great acclaim, also won the Conn Smythe Trophy when he led the Montreal Canadiens to a shocking 4-2 victory over the Utah Utes (who recently changed their name for the fourth time due to losing another lawsuit).
2029: With 44 goals and 50 assists, Michael Hage has won the Calder Trophy. The young man who recently released his first Book of Poems, “Roses are Red, Leave Me Alone.” to great acclaim, also won the Conn Smythe Trophy when he led the Montreal Canadiens to a shocking 4-1 victory against the Portland Atlanteans who had recently moved from Atlanta to Portland due to no attendance.
2030: With 25 goals and 82 assists, L.J. Mooney has won the Calder Trophy. The young man benefited from assisting on many of Ivan Demidov’s 93 goals. As many people know, Little John had won the scoring crown in Switzerland after moving there to be with his 6-foot-1 supermodel girlfriend Chantel Folle. After moving back to Montreal, he also won the Conn Smythe Trophy when he led the Montreal Canadiens to a shocking 4-0 victory against the Seattle Aeros, who had recently moved to Seattle from Houston due to their ice melting all the time.
2031: With 67 goals and 4 assists, Alexander Zharovsky has won the Calder Trophy. The two-time KHL scoring champion also won the Conn Smythe Trophy when he led the Montreal Canadiens to the Stanley Cup after the Hawaiian Canucks conceded the Cup because they felt they had no chance.
That’s all, folks. For my next trick, I plan to use the time machine to either cure all diseases or make myself incredibly wealthy.
Enjoy the rest of the summer. Keep smiling.
Fyi, “Moy Pervyy rep-al’bom**” translated into English, from Russian, means, “My First rap album.”
